How to have more meaningful conversations with your husband

Do you feel like you and your husband are stuck in short, superficial conversations? “How was work?” “Fine.” “Did you put gas in the car?” “Yeah.” It can be frustrating and (frankly) mind-numbing. We want more emotional connection and bonding, and these monosyllabic exchanges can wear down a marriage. Here are some tips on how to have more meaningful conversations.

Don’t scare him off

When you say, “Can we talk?” he’ll panic—is he in trouble? Is this going to be one of those draining, drawn out and confusing fights? Instead, just casually start a conversation while you’re driving or taking a walk—when he’s a captive audience, really—or, keep the conversation short. “I want to talk to you for half an hour, then I need to run.” He thinks, “I can do anything for thirty minutes!”

Empower him

If you have a nagging or accusing tone, or you start the conversation with, “You never pay attention to me,” his defenses go up. Open with an empowering statement or compliment. For example, “You’re not doing anything wrong, but I want to share what I’m going through because you’re the person who understands me most.” Or, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and I know you can help me.”

Be specific

Spell things out. Don’t say, “lets talk about something other than the kids.” He wouldn’t know where to start! You can jumpstart the conversation and say, “Tell me about why you hate the movies of Michael Bay… and what kind of movies you’d like to make, if you were a director.”

Ease into it

Take baby steps. If he’s not usually the type to open up, don’t start with the most difficult or emotionally sensitive topic. You can try something fun, like what he liked to do in th summer when he was growing up, or you could ask his opinion about an issue on the news.