What to Never Do When Someone You Love Loses a Child

What Not to Do.
1. Never, ever say "He/she is in a better place." That may comfort you, if you are a believer, but it does not touch the fact that your friend is sitting in the middle of the worst experience a parent can have. Instead, if it is honest, simply say something like "There are no words for what you must be experiencing." Stay out of your head, and go into your heart.
2. Never, ever keep a stop-watch on someone's grieving. You do not know, anymore than they do, how long healing may take. Instead, focus on staying present with the bereaved. Here is the time to listen.
3. Never, ever trivialize what has happened with your own story. Instead, keep your focus on their loss.
4. Never, ever refer to who died in impersonal ways. Instead, use the name of the child. You may feel uncomfortable, but bereaved parents, especially over the long haul suffer a private pain because they fear the world will forget their baby.
5. Never, ever forget other children in the situation. Not only have they lost a sibling, but they lose their parents psychologically during grieving, regardless how aware the parents may be. Instead, spend time with the child. For young children, bring color crayons, and suggest a picture. This may be something they would like to tuck into the garments of the child who died, if there is to be burial, or cremation. Do not interpret the child's reaction to mean they are not grieving. Children grieve in different ways. Let them.
6. Never, ever forget that holidays and anniversaries carry a particular pain. (Nearly no one remembers the second anniversary of a child's death. It is a great time for a card that says you've not forgotten. Instead, remember when you are celebrating rites of passage with your own child, e.g. graduations, weddings, grandchildren, that this brings a sting to your friend, no matter how much they might love your crew. Don't be afraid to mention the name of the child who has died at these times. Let your friend know you appreciate this must 'bring up' a lot for them.
7. Never, ever forget that, as long as you are speaking from your heart, that your love is invaluable. You cannot err. Relax. Breathe. This, too, shall pass.
8. Never, ever assume that it is impossible to begin life anew. Instead, know that it may take a great deal of time and concentrated work, but, just as spring follows winter, life can be reborn with a focus, and support, and guidance from those who have been through the wringer.
9. Never, ever discount your own sense of things. If your friend is starting to isolate, or act in unusual ways, get professional help. They may be suffering complicated bereavement. Instead of saying nothing, investigate parental bereavement groups, such as Compassionate Friends. Be a friend.